Some do it to re-live the glory days of their youth—or the glory days they wish they’d had. Others want to have ownership of the star athlete at school and whatever status they believe that brings. Most do it out of genuine, but misdirected, concern for their child.

Pushy parents lobbying the coach. Most of them are annoying and some are…well, I’ll leave those terms to the psychiatrists. I’ve seen many examples during the past 16 years of watching my sons’ athletic pursuits, but one stands out. He was the dad of one of the star players on my sons’ high school football team. He meant well and was knowledgeable about football, but his enthusiasm crossed over to something else when he started leaving 15-page, handwritten notes on the windshield of the head coach’s car after practice. The notes contained many new plays and formations, all featuring his son as the ball carrier. They also contained much criticism of other players and the coaching staff. It was ugly and obsessive, and ultimately embarrassing for his son, whom he thought he was helping. This month, we’ve asked two respected Valley coaches to weigh in on the line between being a supportive, enthusiastic parent and ending up a pushy parent problem.

DANA ZUPKE: Parental involvement in an athletic program greatly enhances the experience for the entire team. I don’t think parents can be too involved in certain aspects of the program, primarily in the support areas—joining the booster club, raising money and providing game day support such as operating the scoreboard or clock, selling merchandise or working the snack bar. However, there are certain areas that I feel are out of bounds, such as talking about your child’s playing time, other kids on the team or the coaching strategy. It is the responsibility of the coach to make this very clear to the parents.

Many parents overstep in this area out of legitimate concern for their son or daughter, often not realizing that their involvement is inappropriate. While coaches should let parents know when they are becoming inappropriately involved or pushy, some are not comfortable being direct. Many coaches will simply cut off communication with overbearing parents as a way to let them know that they have gone too far. Other coaches may overreact by closing practices to everyone in order to deal with one individual. Changes in a coach’s regular communication and routines may indicate the coach has had enough of a certain parent or group of parents.

Ultimately, both parents and coaches must attempt to be direct and communicate, no matter how uncomfortable the situation may be. Most coaches and parents have the best interests of the athletes at heart. I know some parents fear that coaches will retaliate against their kids if they confront the coach with an issue, but I think most coaches, especially at the high school level, will react professionally.

Timing comes into play as to when you should approach a coach. Parents should avoid confronting a coach immediately before or after a contest or when emotions are exceptionally high. Approaching a coach under these conditions is often disastrous. Only under extreme circumstances, such as when the safety of the athletes is in question, should parents attempt to deal with a coach during a contest. Most other issues can wait until everyone has had a chance to reflect and think rationally.

TOMMY SMITH: For a team to be successful, each individual must contribute to something greater than themselves. For some, that may be as the captain of the team. For others, it might be as a scout team player. Whatever the case, each kid has a role. As with every good relationship, it is like a three-legged stool. In education, it is the student, the teacher, and the parents. In sports, it’s the athlete, the coaching staff and the parents. In each instance, trust and communication make the relationship work.

As parents, we all demonstrate a certain amount of pride when watching our kids participate in sports. In a perfect world, coaches would give every kid equal playing time and every kid would experience success. But we don’t live in such a world, and parents need to understand that it is the job of the coach to teach players the fundamentals of the game. Kids who best demonstrate those fundamentals are the ones who will get the starting jobs and more playing time.

Parents and coaches need to communicate with each other and trust that the decisions being made are in the best interest of the child. When parents come to a coach asking why their child is not playing, the approach should be non-confrontational and open-minded. Coaches are present every day at practice and are constantly evaluating players. Parents need to trust that the coach is doing what is best for the team.

Enthusiastic parents who contribute by volunteering at games or being a team parent will make the experience more enjoyable for everyone. Constant positive reinforcement by parents, and being on the same page with the coach whether you agree or disagree with decisions being made, will only help the development of the athlete. Preparing our children for life and all of life’s situations is our role as parents. Encouraging them to be part of a team, whether they are the star or the last one off the bench, will teach them many valuable life lessons. Boundaries need to be established by parents and coaches, and those boundaries should always be respected. rak