Start with understanding the difference between “wants” and “needs.”
This semester, my 10-year-old son Nico started attending a new school where he didn’t know anyone well.
“Did you sit with anyone at lunch today?” I asked him each day when I picked him up from school.
“No, Mom. I don’t have any friends,” he responded.
One morning while dropping him at the curb, I said, “Nico, you know you choose each day whether to be happy. Try to think of one good thing, one small thing to be grateful for, and focus on that. You may feel happier.”
When he climbed back in the car after school that day, his face was brighter.
“Mom, I did what you told me to do and it worked,” he said. “At lunch I thought about how I’m thankful for my friends from my old school and Minecraft, and I felt happier.”
Focusing on gratitude made my son feel happier and helped him weather the first few weeks at his new school. The smile on his face probably helped him make new friends, too.
Understanding the difference between “wants” and “needs” can also help kids learn about gratitude. My children have both had opportunities to donate to food banks through their schools or scout troops. When they toured the food banks, they learned that many people don’t have enough money to buy food and meet their basic needs. It made them thankful that they have plenty of food to eat each day and helped them see the difference between a need (food) and a want (a toy).
Help little minds resist temptation
In modern usage, the word “need” has virtually replaced the word “want.” We say, “I need a new pair of shoes” or “I really need a mocha.”
No wonder our children think they need a new video game or a cookie. If we think about our own usage of the word “need,” we will see why our children are utterly confused.
Children are bombarded with ads to draw them into wanting the next new thing. It ranges from calorie-rich junk food or the smallest trinket to the biggest, most elaborate toy. How can little minds, so impressionable, distinguish and—more importantly— resist this temptation? It is up to the adults in their lives to guide them.
A firm “no” is always a simple option. Your child will respect you for it and the message is unambiguous.
Starting or ending each day with a peaceful ritual of stating out loud, or quietly to oneself, what you are truly grateful for will train the mind to focus on what we have, rather than what we want. The brain works better when it is positive. Try sitting together as a family and focus on the positives in your lives. A simple two-minute daily exercise will rewire the brain to scan the day for the positive and help us realize how truly blessed we are for all we have: our support systems, families, pets, food, books, gardens, teachers, grandparents, toys, clothes, vacations, friends, flowers and most of all, our community.
Manage what we provide and when we provide it
We live in a time when entitlement is often explicitly expressed by our youth and reinforced by overindulging parents. Ingraining gratitude in kids requires a back-to-basics approach and participation in philanthropic activities that extend beyond certain days designated on the calendar.
“To whom much is given, much is expected” (Luke 12:48) is one of my mantras. Getting my kids to realize that we are fortunate and expected to help others is an ongoing challenge.
My husband and I use daily occurrences to help them comprehend that our lives could be decidedly different. In our home, basic actions such as saying “please” and “thank you” and sending thank-you cards are mandatory.
Organizations and schools provide opportunities to assist others. My son just started junior high in Chandler and he is required to complete service hours. My daughter is a Girl Scout Junior and completes service requirements with her troop.
I made it clear that we were not purchasing new backpacks this year because the ones they already had were in great condition. Managing what we provide for our kids and when we provide it comes with parenting.
There is always room for improvement, but we hope that it all sinks in and becomes a part of grateful and giving children.
Notice the good thoughts and feelings
In their everyday lives, children are constantly experiencing their “outer world” (wants). In mindfulness practice, children come into contact with their “inner world” (needs) in an insightful way that nurtures their innate ability to be thankful.
When teaching mindfulness, we focus on interior conditions: emotions, thoughts, impulses and feelings. We spend quiet, introspective time in our inner world to understand ourselves better and use our own faculties to create our best life.
When I teach a gratitude lesson, I invite children to sit in a “mindful body” (still and quiet), to close or lower their eyes and to imagine being surrounded by three things that they are grateful for. I ask them to notice small things they are grateful for that do not cost money, like a favorite color or a smile.
Through mindfulness, I encourage children to “notice the good” and recall the calm, good feelings they noticed in their gratitude practice. I point out the physical effects—like racing hearts and upset tummies—of focusing on stressful things.
The children inevitably notice good thoughts and feelings in their bodies and everyone agrees that gratitude makes us feel good.
