Q:My spouse has been diagnosed with depression. How do we explain this to our children?
It depends on the ages of the children, according to Paul Miller, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at ASU West, who studies coping skills in children.
For preschoolers through the early primary grades, keep the explanation simple, says Miller. Focus on describing the behavior of the depressed individual instead of the person’s feelings. Talk about how the depressed person may not “have a lot of energy, so he has to rest a lot.” If the parent is not comfortable or prepared to address the whys of the behavior, Miller advises parents to leave the psychology out of an explanation directed at very young children.
Children in the early primary grades can understand depression as a condition similar to other physical maladies, requiring ongoing visits to a health care provider and proper medication. Miller suggests parents tell their children that “just as we have to take certain medicines for viruses, bacterial infections, or cuts, the parent with depression must take medications to feel better,” https://rossclinic.com/drugs/valium-diazepam.html.
Children in elementary school can be introduced to the part that feelings play in a diagnosis. Start by explaining that, for some individuals, it is much harder to get over a period of sadness because of something within their bodies, Miller says. Ask children to recall a specific time when they felt sad themselves. Explain that the brain is the reason we think, act, and feel certain ways. When people become depressed, their brain works differently than when they are well.
Expect a wide range of individual reactions from children, and remember to check in with the child on a regular basis to monitor how they are handling the situation.
“You can’t expect to have a single discussion, because at first they may not have anything to talk about,” Miller says. “It is only when something negative happens that they may need to talk.”
Establish an open-door policy, says Miller. Encourage children to talk about their feelings and reflect on them. Often kids aren’t even looking for a solution to a problem. “They just want the feeling that you understand, then they can feel secure again.”
Some children, regardless of age, may feel responsibility or blame for the situation, especially if there have been troubled interactions within the family. One of the first thoughts a child may have is, “‘Have I made them unhappy?'” says Miller. “You want to remove that and make sure children understand that this has nothing to do with what they did or didn’t do.”
With tweens and teens, you can use more sophisticated language to explain depression. Metaphors based on experiences from their own lives, such as getting cut from a sports team or not receiving an invitation to a party, can aid in understanding. Children within this age group may question whether they are at risk for the disorder themselves. Acknowledge that the probability might be a bit higher, but the odds are still very low, says Miller. “You (can) say, ‘I really don’t think that is going to happen but if you are having sad feelings come and talk to me.'”
Miller suggests that older children may benefit by talking to a health care professional about their own fears and concerns.
Tweens and teens are often concerned about how long the situation is going to last and, as a parent, you can’t really say for sure. But it is vital to assure children that constructive treatment plans are underway, according to William R. Beardslee, M.D., a pioneer in the study of the affects of depression on families.
Beardslee, author of Out of the Darkened Room, says that parents need to put depression into context by affirming that other elements of family life – vacations, holidays, even simple daily routines – will continue. Because depression can “disorder” relationships, breaking connectedness with the traditions of the family, Beardslee suggests that part of the antidote rests with strengthening those relationships. Seeing both parents communicating well with each other during this time also can promote a healing effects, he notes, because much of what happens during a depression has the potential to be misunderstood by children as an impending divorce.
Parents with depression often feel they’ve forever damaged their children, but this is simply not true, says Beardslee. If parents choose to discuss the situation instead of being silent, children can build traits of strength and resilience. Studies show these attributes increase the capacity to get work done, help children accomplish the learning of developmental tasks and create better understanding of the feelings of others.
Coping with a stressor like depression in the family can raise awareness of how people can productively deal with their emotions and may actually strengthen the family bond. “Acknowledge that yes, we would rather it not happen, but other families have other things and we can get through this. We help each other when anyone has a problem in this family.
