Picture this: You’re traveling with your child on an airplane when something unexpected happens. Things move quickly, and next thing you know, oxygen masks are dropping from the ceiling. What do you do? Meet your critical need for oxygen or that of your child?
We may not be 30,000 feet in the air, but as parents, we face this question daily. How do we balance the needs of our children while also meeting our own needs?
This issue became more pronounced when my husband Brian and I started fostering children. Kids come into foster care for various reasons. Each one of them has their own needs and it would be unfair of me to blanketly group them together. At the same time, we know that each of them has experienced trauma. The very nature of being in out-of-home care is trauma. As a first-time foster mom, I did not fully understand the additional parenting tools that this would require.
When our first child came into our family, it was a whirlwind of activity. There were several appointments that had to occur within a certain timeframe; agency visits, registering for school or daycare, etc… My days were often spent just trying to put one foot in front of the other.
I had to balance my home and work life with the demands of doctor visits, therapy, and parent visitations. We maneuvered through hard emotions and new behaviors. There was so much to learn. A lot of days were overwhelming, but I was good. Until I wasn’t.
I learned that, unlike an airplane, we cannot wait until an emergency to put on our oxygen mask. As parents, we must take time to refill our lungs daily, especially during the summer months when kids are spending more time at home with us.
As a foster parent, here are some things I learned that were most important for me to keep from going into a self-depleted emergency:
Find a Support System. We are stronger when we are supported by each other. This means finding a support group. There are several formal groups to participate in. Foster Arizona has launched an online support group that you can join on our Foster Cooperative platform. ASA Now, Arizona Association for Foster & Adoptive Parents and local churches also have support groups that take place throughout the state.
Plan Breaks for Yourself. I love taking weekends away to sit in silence and read. It is not always practical, but my sanity is found in finding intentional time. The morning is one of my favorite times of day. When the kids are sleeping and the house is quiet, I find space to breathe. I also intentionally do not bring my lunch to work. Instead, I sit at a table and read or decompress over my lunch hour. What time could be your time?
Ask For Help. It is OK to not be OK. It is OK to feel overwhelmed. I had to learn that asking for help does not make me weak. It makes me stronger so I can be a better parent to my kids.
Give Yourself Grace. I am saying this as much to myself as anyone else. We are humans before we are parents. I am learning to be perfect in my imperfections. I wish the same for you.
Kim Vehon is the CEO of Foster Arizona, a nonprofit that provides resources, training and advocacy for foster families across the state. She is a mother to seven children, four of whom she adopted after fostering. Reach her at kim@fosteraz.org
