How opening your home can test your partnership
When considering the challenges of embarking on a foster care journey, the list can be long. Do we have the time? The space? The finances? All these questions are important and take some soul searching and ‘real talk’ by couples when making this decision. The question that often falls to the bottom of the list for couples: Is our relationship strong enough for this?
Agencies like Arizona’s Children Association are challenged with this each time they interview potential foster parents. Agencies can collect all the concrete data – the pay stubs, the health forms, the background checks- but no form helps you see the health of the couple. We ask questions about communication, conflict, support, and strengths, but it’s nearly impossible to really KNOW a couple before that licensing application is sent off.
What Makes Successful Foster Parents
Amanda and Ryan are long-term foster parents. They have been fostering for 8 years and have adopted 5 children, with three more adoptions pending. At our early meetings with Amanda and Ryan, it was evident that this was a couple who ‘understood the assignment’ – they were truly approaching fostering as a team. They existed in the chaos that comes with children and appointments and DCS and trauma- but instead of falling victim to the system and the stress, they were modeling how to foster with love and compassion. As we discussed their license and their fostering journey, it was clear that there is a genuine support and love between them that does more for the children they care for than anything else we, as an agency, could provide.
Advice From Current Foster Parents
When asked to share what the most important thing they’ve learned that helps keep them connected, Amanda shared that she discovered early that “time does not belong to you anymore. You’re at the mercy of the system.” Ryan added that they must be “more intentional on making sure we set times to get together; don’t let it get too busy to make time for your partner.”
When discussing any advice they might have for couples considering fostering, Amanda shared that “for those considering fostering – there are challenges, but it is the greatest, most rewarding and most beautiful thing we could have chosen to do with our married life.” Ryan agreed, adding that you need to “realize that you can stretch what you think are your limitations. Have a good, balanced view of when to say no, but don’t let (the challenges) scare you from stretching.”
If you are considering fostering, please reach out for more information at azdcs.gov or arizonaschildren.org
Mary Teresa Marshall is a Program Administrator for Arizona’s Children Association permanency department. She oversees foster care, adoption and kinship services for several counties in Arizona.
