There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know. — Donald Rumsfeld
The first time that you “know” something is just not right, it’s often experienced as a feeling in your gut. It’s not yet a fully articulated thought; you’re not even sure that you know what you are thinking. That’s because first you feel it.
A neighbor may suggest to you that maybe your child should be “tested.” A well-meaning relative wants to know if your child is “getting help.” You may start putting it together that the random assortment of your child’s behaviors might mean something (AD/HD?) when considered in the aggregate, and your first reaction is, “Not my child!” Is it denial, hope, defense, a prayer? Whatever you call it, first you feel the emotional punch in the solar plexus…not my child.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…..just when you are starting to anticipate some normalcy coming back into your life, now that your child(ren) have grown out of diapers, put down the bottle, the binky and the blanket, as you approach the school years with new lunch boxes, school bus adventures, and extra-curricular activities, you also have your first parent -teacher conference.
Tough successful adults of all kinds get that knotty feeling in the stomach when going in to talk with THE TEACHER. Oh no, our inner child self recalls, there is nothing good that can come out of a private conversation with THE TEACHER. She is still the one person whose approval we never got over wanting. Does anyone ever talk about their first grade teacher in therapy? No! But she is the ultimate authority of our younger years. She’s the one who sent home notes to our parents, wrote comments on our homework assignments and affixed the dreaded red pencil marks to our test papers. Whatever she told our parents could get us in trouble at home. Even if we thought she liked us, it turned out that she always found something to tell our parents we could do better. And they believed her, because she was THE TEACHER.
So now we are the parents who will be the recipients of the all important mid-semester evaluation. It’s not just our child who is being evaluated, it is also US the parents, WE who are being scrutinized and admonished to instill better work habits in our child. OUR parenting skills are called into question: Do we provide a quiet place for homework? Do we supervise the homework? Do we have dinner together as a family nightly? Do we load backpacks and lay out tomorrow’s clothes the night before? What about that important consistent reasonable bedtime? The good breakfast? The nutritious lunch?
And now THE TEACHER says that there might be something wrong with our child. Legal guidelines prevent school personnel from telling parents that they think a student has a diagnosis of AD/HD. But, the descriptions of inconsistent academic performance, daydreaming, fidgeting, not following instructions, blurting out answers, interrupting the teacher, sloppy handwriting, careless spelling and arithmetic mistakes, incomplete assignments, missing homework, frequent tardiness, and reluctance to read begin to create a snapshot of the AD/HD child.
Regardless whether an inattentive, hyperactive or combined type is the culprit, parents are forced to consider that AD/HD might be a factor. Considering it doesn’t mean agreeing, doesn’t mean accepting, doesn’t mean labeling. It just means consider the possibilities. It means take a look at what we know and what we don’t know, what we know we know, and what we know we don’t know. Now begins the parents’ journey.
And oh my gosh, THERE IS SO MUCH TO KNOW. It can feel like every minute echoes the imperative to put our hands on everything we can possibly read. Parents may not know whom they can trust with this delicate and controversial topic. This isn’t like asking for a referral to a reliable landscaper or recommendation for a new hairdresser. Face it, having a child with AD/HD doesn’t make you popular. There is still a stigma associated with anything considered outside the norm of childhood development. Some people judge you for what they consider to be the consequence of poor parenting, inadequate discipline, and lack of good character.
You, or your spouse, may even be one of those people. Your task is to develop that thick skin that will enable you to examine your own prejudices so that you can persevere and network with other parents in the quest to identify reliable resources so that you can help your child.
Put on YOUR oxygen mask first before assisting others around you!
Before going on the search for the professional(s) who will perform tests and interviews and possible future treatment, it is important to have some idea of what you are talking about. You need to become an educated consumer before you begin to interview specialists. Reading will expose you to the lingo and the acronyms, to multiple theories and interventions, some that are considered controversial compared to research-based studies. And, you will find personal anecdotal accounts that will assure you that you are not alone in this journey.
After you have synthesized some of the information that is out there, you will feel more confident when you walk into the specialists’ offices to interview them. You can be prepared with a list of questions, and also be better prepared to hear and understand what they are telling you. If you are like most people, you are probably not going to feel comfortable picking up the phone to ask if you can please speak with the doctor to re-ask the same questions that you asked earlier or to have the same information re-explained. If you have that courage, you are my role model.
Pick up a couple of good books that are endorsed by some of the national AD/HD organizations and publications. ADDitude is a bi-monthly magazine (hardcopy with online features) that has been around for many years. Every issue is full of letters and success stories submitted by regular people, in addition to Q&A columns from pros. The online archives are relevant and easily accessible My opinion is that this is the first thing you should acquire to begin your library on AD/HD.
Begin to keep a notebook (old-school paper or digital file) of author names and book titles. Start with the classics:
Driven to Distraction, Edward (Ned) Hallowell and John J. Ratey
Women with Attention Deficit Disorder, Sari Solden
Gender Issues and ADHD, Patricia O. Quinn and Kathleen G. Nadeau
Teenagers With ADD and ADHD, Chris A. Zeigler Dendy
And here’s one written for kids. I haven’t read it yet (other than the sample pages in Amazon) but it comes highly recommended by someone who knows what she’s talking about (thanks V.): The Survival Guide for Kids With ADD or ADHD, John F. Taylor.
As you surf the Internet (and you know you will!) bookmark everything into your computer files until you begin to get the hang of being selective about what to save. Maybe start with this recent article, “Ten Tips For Parents of a Child with ADD by Ben Glenn, which broadly outlines important tasks for parents. Acknowledging that parents need to deal with their own feelings and perceptions, he highlights the importance of getting to know other parents of AD/HD kids, of being educated about AD/HD, regularly bolstering your child’s self-esteem, and knowing how and what to discuss with your child. His approach is upbeat and informal — good advice drawn from personal experience.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You and your child are human and you both WILL make mistakes. Be on the lookout for things that make you laugh. AD/HD kids can (and do) say the darndest things…like the son of a well-known AD/HD educator whose young son took scissors and CUT the new curtains recently hung over the living room windows. Why?! she demanded to know. “To let the sunshine in for us, Mommy.”
~~Debbie
