Parents usually believe that their son or daughter deserves the best possible spouse. Haven’t we all heard, “No one is ever good enough for our child”? It is their choice regardless whom they pick for a lifetime partner, unless it is in arranged marriage.
There may be religious, cultural, gender, financial, and educational differences. The most important “mindset” is to open your heart/mind by embracing a new member of your family. This will make your son/daughter’s life easier to live without judgement attached to it.
We must learn to respect our adult child for the choices they make, and remember they are living in a different time than when we grew up. Our values, beliefs, and lifestyle can be totally different from theirs, and we must respect them without criticizing or stating what we did differently.
Some guidelines to help:
Make an effort to really get to know your in-law, ask questions about their upbringing, school, family rituals, birthdays, holidays, trips they took, and their relatives (dad, mom, sister, cousins). Take time out to be alone with them or do something they like to do (go to lunch, a sporting event, shopping, etc.)
Put your ego aside. Although you are older and more experienced, try not to judge, criticize, or tell them what to do. Respect the differences and learn about their belief system, values, or religious and cultural upbringing.
Volunteer your time. Ask your in-law/family member if they need anything while you’re shopping, running errands, etc. If they work a lot, offer to help with laundry, yard-work, or even bringing over a meal. If they have children, try to help them periodically so they can have a date night out and you can have special time with your grandchildren alone. If you can financially afford to help them, maybe offer lessons, extra-curricular activities from school, starting a college fund, etc.
Stop comparing. We may have had a different lifestyle than the in-laws. Try to be respectful of their family choices and value systems. Learn to accept the differences and share yours with them (sharing a holiday, a ritual, cultural experience, etc.).
Show respect/validation. If your in-law does something well, such as getting a bonus with their job, starting a new position, going back to college, or contributing by doing extra at the home, then congratulate them and validate their work and efforts. Tell them how proud you are of them. These affirmations will go a long way. Practice affirmations and send them good will.
Be authentic. Be yourself and share your knowledge, wisdom, and experience about topics that you are skilled in (cooking, painting, law, health, travel, sports, etc.). Let your in-laws know about you and your past as well. Share experiences that were successful as well as failures. This will open the door of communication and authenticity.
Stay in touch. Try to remember birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, milestones, etc. Send cards, texts, FaceTime, and even send certificates for dinner, events and more. If you have grandkids, ask about updated information on school, activities, their hobbies and their interests. If possible, go visit and take them away for a night to allow for time to reconnect. Keep things joyous and not dramatic and argumentative.
