HomeArticlesThe power of music: Getting “in synch” with your kids

The power of music: Getting “in synch” with your kids

Aidan Smith (19) and his uncle Craig Hanson.

Something magical happened during a visit with my brother’s family in Germany this past summer.

On our last night, as it was getting late and nearing time to say goodbye — though nobody wanted to — my brother pulled out his acoustic guitar. We started singing, and what came pouring out were the cowboy ballads my father used to belt in a full baritone from behind the wheel of his big old Buick.

I remember (this was back before kids wore seat belts) laying my head against my dad’s barrel chest to feel the vibrations of his voice against my ear. It’s the closest emotionally I ever felt to my father.

Singing those songs again with my brother brought back so many memories. We both knew the lyrics. Our kids knew them. We were singing the words together. It meant something — partly because my father has been gone from this world for more than a decade now, but also because it helped me feel connected to my “overseas family” in an extraordinary way.

The research

Sandi Wallace is a graduate student at the University of Arizona in Tucson. She is also a mom who raised a teenage son.

Looking back on her days of child-rearing, Wallace realized something about those bumpy adolescent years: Music was something that kept them bonded. Wallace wondered if her experience was unique, so she proposed a study, which was published in the “Journal of Family Communication” in May 2018.

Her research demonstrated a positive correlation between grown children’s perceptions of their relationships with their parents — based on depth, closeness and supportiveness — and their participation in casual musical activities. She found those feelings were more intense than when families engaged in non-musical activities, such as going out to dinner, playing board games or participating in sports.

“Music had an additional power over those other everyday activities,” Wallace says.

The study defined “casual musical activities” as dancing together, singing in the car, going to concerts or playing music while doing chores. Wallace says the study indicated that doing these things with older children — ages 14 and up — was even more important than it was with younger kids.

Personal experience

I could definitely relate to Wallace’s claims.

Because I love music so much, it was only natural that I would sing and play music for my babies when they were little. Most parents do this. We rock them and sing them lullabies, or we teach them through songs, such as “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and the “ABCs.”

In many families, there comes a time when musical tastes diverge and parents and children no longer have many shared musical experiences. Because both of my children are passionate musicians, music never left our conversations and interactions, even as they became teenagers.

I do feel it has kept us connected. I recognize that same experience in the families I meet who have shared their own love of music with their children. I had always assumed it was because of the immediate visceral reaction music causes — an immediate emotional response that is different from reactions to other art forms.

Wallace says there’s even more to it. Music makes possible something researchers call “coordination”— the sense that you’re “in synch” with another person.

“When you’re ‘coordinated’ with someone, you tend to like them more and have really positive feelings for them,” Wallace says.

I thought about my kids and their friends — most of whom are musicians — and how bonded they became through music. I could see what she meant.

“Moving in time with someone makes you feel connected,” she told me.

Connecting with teens

As Wallace and I discussed what it was like raising teenagers, we both agreed music has a special role in the parenting toolkit.

“There are days of drama and tension, and sometimes teenagers just don’t want to talk. In those instances, sometimes it’s good to just turn up the radio together and sing along to a goofy song or play something heartfelt you can both relate to,” Wallace says.

In a world that often leads families to drift apart, it’s nice to know there’s something we can rely on to bridge those gaps.

In good times and bad, there’s something about music that can transcend the distances between us.

Sheri Smith, of Scottsdale, is the mother of two teenagers: Aidan and Sarah.

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