By Rebecca Duffy, Clinical Director, evolvedMD
You may have seen the #DefaultParent trend making the rounds on social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram, and while it makes for relatable or entertaining content, default parenting is not only a real thing, but it can also take a significant toll on a person’s mental and physical well-being.
The term, “default parent,” refers to someone who takes on the majority of parental responsibilities. These include but are not limited to:
- Emotional support
- Household tasks
- Making decisions regarding the children and their environment
This dynamic typically exists in a two-partner family unit (Note: single parents are ALWAYS the default and need more support too!). The mounting pressure of carrying all of these responsibilities can lead to mental, physical, and emotional exhaustion. This is ESPECIALLY true around the holidays.
A recent study from CafeMom found moms do 90% of the holiday shopping, 70% say they shop for a partner, and 42% said they even shop for their own gifts. In addition to checking the holiday wish list (twice), 78% of moms take charge of decorating and 84% coordinate all holiday travel plans. While moms aren’t the only ones who find themselves in default parenting mode, it is more common.
So, how can you keep default parenting from stealing your joy this holiday season? Here are three things to consider as you head into a new year.
- Are you a default parent?
The first step in curbing the effects of default parenting is identifying and acknowledging this dynamic exists. An average day in the life of a default parent may include waking up early to ensure the kids get out of bed, getting them dressed in clean clothing the default parent washed, preparing breakfast, packing lunches and taking kids to school. Throughout the day this parent will utilize pockets of time to complete small tasks for the family such as ordering groceries, planning dinner, scheduling doctor’s appointment, or paying bills. At night, the default parent will likely take care of dinner, help kids with homework, and lead the bath and bedtime routine.
- Prioritize self-care
If the above rundown resonates with you, there’s a chance you’re already feeling the immense pressure that comes with an “If I don’t do it than who will” mentality. Increased anxiety, stress, depression, lack of sleep and changes in appetite are all signs that you’ve put everyone else’s needs before your own. As a therapist, I can’t recommend self-care routines enough. The term is often associated with a spa day, or some lavish, relaxing experience, but that’s not sustainable. These should be enjoyable activities and habits that are unique to YOUR wants and desires. Maybe it’s reading, having dinner with friends, exercising or going out to enjoy live music. Prioritizing these things will go a long way in curbing the overwhelm and resentment that often accompanies default parenting.
- Communicate your needs
Once you’ve identified yourself as a default parent, it’s important to communicate those feelings. Whether talking to a partner, family member, or group of friends, having a space to openly discuss the emotions and pressures associated with default parenting can be validating and healing. Build a trusting network of support and try to identify areas where you can ask for help. In some cases, a therapist may be helpful in sorting through the overwhelming feelings associated with parenting responsibilities.
Launched in 2017, evolvedMD is leading the integration of behavioral health services in modern primary care. They have partners throughout Arizona including Banner Health, HonorHealth, EverNorth, Optum, Phoenix Children’s, TMCOne and many more. To find a provider in your area, visit www.evolvedMD.com.
