I was excited to become a dad, but I’d be lying if I said it was an easy adjustment. There was a lot to learn, a great change to life as I once knew it, and things I definitely wasn’t prepared for. Having been through it and “on the other side”, I think I’ll have a little bit more of an idea of what to do next time around.
If I could back and give myself some advice, here is what I’d say:
Prioritize what matters most to you. In the beginning it was hard to focus on anything but caring for my son and wife. But I realized I couldn’t adequately care for them if I wasn’t caring for myself. Remember dads, basic needs are necessities! You need to eat, shower regularly, and squeeze in a nap here and there to recharge. Once you get into more of a routine and rhythm, it’s important to try to incorporate a few other habits that make you feel like yourself. For me, that was finding time to work out, read, and see friends. It may not be the same frequency or duration as you were able to do before, but something is better than nothing.
Take as much leave time if you can/are able. I was fortunate to be able to take nearly five weeks of leave time when our son was born. I know not all dads will be able to do so, but I would encourage you to take as much time as possible, or even budget for unpaid time off. I was so glad that I was home, not only to help bond with and care for my son, but because I was still very sleep deprived and would not have been my best self back at work.
Alternate “shifts” with your spouse. After the first week or so at home, my wife and I began taking “shifts.” Since she was still recovering, I took the night shift so she could sleep while I stayed up to do all the feedings, diaper changes, and soothing between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. (Side note: We exclusively formula fed – making this possible). My wife would take over around 7 a.m. while I went to go catch some sleep. Find some ways to alternate that work best for you and your family so you can each get a little bit of time alone or uninterrupted sleep.
Don’t discount the postpartum period. While moms might be experiencing the hormonal shift of postpartum, I didn’t realize how much the “fourth trimester” would impact me, too. I was trying to support my wife and all the changes she was experiencing physically and emotionally, while also trying to adjust to it all myself.
There’s no real “handbook” for any of it, but it is good to be aware of and know that it can be tough for dads, too. There’s no shame in seeking out advice from a counselor to help you navigate this time in your life if you need it.
Having a baby is a monumental time, but it’s no walk in the park. Do your best to show up and be present for your family – but don’t forget to take care of yourself, too!
Chris Seleen is an Arizona native, oncology nurse at Banner Gateway MD Anderson Cancer Center, husband to RAK’s Editor, Monique Seleen, and dad to their toddler son, Carter. They live together in Mesa.
