Parenting is a lifetime commitment and it doesn’t end when your child becomes an adult. We have learned in neuropsychology that the brains executive function doesn’t fully develop until we turn 25 years old. You might not do the day to day parenting chores any longer, but now there is a shift after a child goes to college or trade school and learns to live on their own.
Do you become their friend? Are you their consoler? Are you their advisor? Are you still their money bank? When do you learn to listen or jump in and give advice?
As a mother of two grown daughters, I am also learning along with you and I ask them three important questions: Are you wanting me to just listen? Are you needing to vent? Are you wanting advice?
Here are some strategies to help your conversations go smoothly:
- Listen closely and emphatically. Reflect or summarize the words they said. For example you can say, “It sounds like you are feeling very frustrated in your job.” Or, “You seem to have had a really stressful day.”
- Validate their feelings. Say things such as, “You seem really sad about what happened,” or “You seem really excited about this new opportunity, would you tell me more about it?” This keeps the conversation going and helps them to feel understood.
- Offer praise and support, not always suggestions or criticism. For example you can say, “You work so hard to support your family and provide the best for them,” and, “If you want me to bring dinner over or watch the kids for a couple of hours so you can have a moment to yourself, let me know.”
- Respect their point of view even if it’s not your belief system.
- Try not to take everything so personally even though it’s painful or challenging. If it gets really hard or negative, ask to get off the phone or speak to them at a later time.
- Try to re-evaluate your role as a parent and realize you no longer have control over them and it’s their life. Try to not problem solve for them. They should learn from trial and error how to problem solve and navigate their own life unless they ask you for advice.
While you may not like the way your adult child handles struggling situations or juggling work and family, if you simply catch them at a good moment and tell them that you understand how hard it is to juggle so many moving parts, they are likely to appreciate your support and connection.
